A Long Lost Robe Is Found

When I was eleven years old, I happen to be going through some boxes stored in our basement. I was looking for a long lost toy, which I did not find. But I did come across a robe. While it was not a robe I could recall having ever seen, it had a familiar look and feel.

I attempted to try it on but that was a waste of effort.  It was way to small for me.

When I gave up on the toy, I took the robe upstairs and sought out my Mom. I asked her about the robe and at first all she did was shook her head.   Then she said, "Where in the world did you ever come across that old thing?"

I told her about my search and then I asked her why it felt so familiar to me.

"There was a time when you would not go to bed unless you were wearing that robe."   That robe was part of a childhood I could not recall and yet one so relevant to my life as it now was.

Mom went to her closet and found a box and pulled it down off of the shelf. It did not take her long to find this photo among the loose photos in the box.

I asked her why she had never told me about the robe before.  She sat quiet for a long moment and then she began.  "Yvonne you are a very, very special little girl.  I will always love the baby boy who I gave birth to and named Glen, but when you were born I really, really wanted you to be a girl.  I wanted a daughter so badly.'

"None of this is news to me Mom.   I know why you started dressing me up as a girl."

"Not the whole story.  One day we were at your Aunt Louise.  She was donating some old clothes to Goodwill and suggested  I should check out the bag before she sent it off to Goodwill.  The robe use to belong to your cousin Jennifer.  When you came across the robe, you fell in love with the robe.  I don't know why.  You wanted it so we took it home and you started wearing it every night to bed.

Until you put on that robe you had never been dressed as a girl.  It was your choice.  It was important to you that you wear that robe.  You enjoyed it so much I bought you this pink ruffle dress that you loved to wear.  Then I bought you a play makeup mirror.  And then I started finding myself enjoying that you liked doing girlie things."

While the story I was now hearing was not all that dissimilar from the one I had known, I had always thought that it had been my Mom who first chose to dress me as a girl. Now I was learning that it had been my own decision. But why keep it a secret?

"I should have been a better parent. I should have set boundaries. I should have said 'No' when you wanted to dress up or put on makeup. But I so wanted a daughter. And you were so willing and eager to be a 'daughter.' When you were older, well it became something we both really wanted. And I didn't want you to every think that maybe there was something wrong with yourself. It seems foolish now, but at the time I felt it was best if you simply thought it was all my fault. Which is kinda is?"

"I am so happy Mom.  It isn't your fault.  It's no one's fault.  This is who I am."

"As I said dear, it all seems very foolish now.  You were never going to be a boy.  I know that now."