Pageant Girl

I see myself from around eight years old to around ten, almost eleven, as living my life as Yvonne as a Pageant Girl. While preteen pageants and talent shows played a big part in my life during this period, it should be noted that I was already competing in pageant when I enter this part of my life and I would continue to compete long afterwards.

I call this phase my Pageant Girl phase as it was during this period that I became really focused on always looking my best.  Whether I was walking out onto a stage or walking out into the world beyond the doors of our home, I saw myself as 'on stage.'  It was important to me to stand out and above other girls.  I am sure it was somewhat of an act of rebellion.  My Dad had laid down new rules and my mother (at least initally) was willing to accede to those rules.  I was not.

I entered several pageants during this time and you will learn of some of those experiences.  However, they are not exclusive to these young years.  What was exclusive was my relationship with boys.  At this age, boys still see girls as something they most tolerant.  They do not embrace them as friends nor are yet willing to see us as girlfriends.  However, despite their surface ambivalence to girls, boys know they are suppose to like girls and they know that girls like them and every boy wants to feel that he is uniquely special to at least one 'yucky' girl.

It was not easy for me going to school during the week as Glen and spending my weekends as Yvonne.  Oddly enough this was made a bit easier because our house was near the boundary of the school district.  At school I had one set of friends.   Playing in my neighborhood I had a different set of friends.  While this was not entirely true, it was close enough that I could pretend it was entirely true.

While it was commonly known at both my school and around our neighborhood that I was boy who would often dress as a girl, I liked playing on weekends with kids my age who did not really know Glen as well as they knew Yvonne.  It was even better when Mom would take me to the park to play.  The park was not the one nearest our home, but one about ten minutes away by car.  The boys and girls that played at this park knew nothing of Glen.  To them I was just Yvonne.  Much like when I went to church with Mom I was always Yvonne to the rest of the congregation.

As I said, Mom initially tried to conform to Dad's wishes and reel in my life as Yvonne.  I had however become more adamant about spending my time as Yvonne.  It did not take my Mom long to pick up on my determination and as it was consistent with her preferences, she nurtured these feelings of mine.  Dad who had once saw Yvonne as an expression of the daughter his wife yearned for found it difficult to compete with my new resolve.  It is one thing to punish a child for stealing or lying or cheating, but how do you punish a child for being herself -- even if you would prefer 'herself' to be 'himself.'

This phase of my life came to an end one night when it was just Paul and I at home.  He tapped on my door. I could not know that his coming to my room would result in me getting fucked.  While some may be critical of my brother for fucking his little sister of ten, it should be stressed that Paul was only fourteen at the time.  He was something of a victim of his own hormones.  It should also me noted that I had spent the last two years of my life focused on being a girl, all the girl I could be, a pageant girl whenever I was Yvonne.  I was learning about boys and Paul was a boy.  It would not be fair to say that Paul came to my room that night uninvited or that his interest in sexually had not be encourage through some of my own behaviors in recent weeks.