I suspect that this lack of separation between myself as a girl and myself as my mother's little girl is not unique to myself. Like most girls in their early preteen years, I was looking to learn something of who I was. I attached myself to my Mom as a means of gaining a better understanding of myself and my place in the world. Not unlike my brothers attached themselves to my Dad to gain a masculine understanding of their place in the world.
It would not be accurate however to suggest that being Yvonne did not have some parent-pleasing aspects. And when I say parent I am referring to my Mom. Like all young children I liked making my mother happy and I liked knowing that I was loved. I do not feel it is going too far out on any limb to suggest that my Mom would have been less happy if I had not been Yvonne. Nor, while I will say she loved me more because I was Yvonne than she would have loved me if I had just been Glen, the love I received from her as Yvonne was different than the love I received from her as Glen. It felt different than the love she gave to my brothers. There was a bonding between as mother and daughter that would not have been present as mother and son.
During this phase of my life, I generally understood that I had been born a boy, that I had boy parts and not girl parts. I did not know the importance of boy versus girl parts as they would impact my life. I simply understood that the boy parts were the reason that I had to go to school as a boy, that I was a boy when the grandparents came to visit and why when Dad was home life was simpler for everyone if I was dressed as Glen.
Because I had boy parts, I understood that dressing as a girl did not really mean I was a girl -- not to the world at large anyway. It was something Mom and I would do when we were alone. They were the 'special moments' we shared. While it did not feel the same pretending to be Yvonne as it did pretending to be a cowboy in a game of 'Cowboys and Indians,' I accepted it when Mom would talk about the time I spent as Yvonne as a game.
It was not difficult to discern as I moved through my early school years that as I grew older my Dad grew more and more frustrated by my preference for girly clothes, girly toys, girly activities, girly mannerisms. One day my Mom and Dad were arguing in their room. As was usually the case it seemed when they argued it was about me. I heard Dad say something like "I can't have you raising my son to be a sissy or worse yet a faggot." Mom's defense usually focused on letting me find out for myself who I was. While I had heard the argument before, I sensed that my mother has less resolved than she had had on previous occasions. Her behaviors in the days that followed suggested that my happiness was going to be sacrificed so my Dad would be happy.
That following Sunday we did not go to church as we often did. Mom said, "Maybe next week." Mom and I did not go to church every week so I accepted her decision. However the next week, she made the same decision and coupled with much that had happened over the time since the argument, I sensed that Yvonne now had a much smaller world. I was not happy with the way I saw my life going. It seemed so unfair to me. It was at this time that I decided it was time for me to find a life free of the boundaries imposed by my parents.
I see this as taking my life into a different phase. I call it my Pageant Girl phase.
| Mommy I Want To Be A Girl | |||
 Many of my first forays out into the world as a girl were for local talents shows which would have me dancing as my talent. My mother owned a dance studio and Yvonne was her prized student. |
 I love Christmas and my birthday as my Mom would always buy me pretty new clothes. These were also two occasions I would according to mom asked yet again 'Can I be a girl all the time?' |
||
 Mom and I loved to spend as much time together as we could without any of the boy around including dad. |
|
||
 |
|
||
| |
|
||
| |
|
|
|
| |
|
|
|
No comments:
Post a Comment
Note: Only a member of this blog may post a comment.